


[b r e a k d o w n]

by qynntessence



Series: (his) absolute mess of a man; the strawberry popsicle 'verse [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qynntessence/pseuds/qynntessence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your name is Alexander Hamilton. You are safe here."</p><p>--</p><p>Alexander has a panic attack. They work through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[b r e a k d o w n]

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was really tough to write. I drew from a lot of my own experiences while trying to make this something "annotatable". There's a lot of literary significance and such that I worked to put in and I'm actually really proud of it. Please feel free to analyze every bit of it!
> 
> (note: there are a lot of grammar mistakes, but they're there for literary significance, so... yeah.)
> 
> If there's anything in the TW you don't want to read, let me know and I'll send you an edited version!
> 
> TW for anxiety/panic attacks, mentions of vomiting, mentions of accidental self-harm

He knows it’s a bad idea to go to bed right after a coffee-fueled high school debate tournament, but it’s an even worse idea to not sleep tonight. He drops his suitcase in the kitchen and yawns wide. Alexander barely has the energy to brush his teeth before climbing into bed next to John, pulling the blankets over his head. He leaves the light on, half because he doesn’t want to get up and half because monsters only like the dark.

Thunder booms outside.

He closes his eyes and plunges himself into darkness.

_It’s pouring. Rain comes down in sheets, obstructing any hope (he has of seeing where he’s going). He’s close now, close to home, he can tell; there’s the bakery on the corner, the little Italian place where he sometimes grabs a cannoli for dessert, the barber shop. John is waiting for him outside their apartment building with an umbrella, as if that could protect him (from the pouring rain). He smiles and lightning flashes; John is gone, replaced by Lafayette. Lightning flashes again; Lafayette is gone, replaced by Eliza, lightning flashes again; John is dead, lightning flashes again; Lafayette is dead, lightning flashes again; Eliza is dead, lightning flashes again; his mother has been dead for a long, long time, lightning flashes again; he is not dead, lightning flashes again; lightning flashes again; lightningflahesagain lightningflashesagain lightningflashesagainlightningflahsesagainflashesagainflashesagain_

His screams are muffled by the pillow.

Tears come down like raincomesdowninsheets, and he screams again because rain took everything from him _lightningflashes_ and he leans over the bed and throws up mostly in his trash can and his mouth doesn’t taste clean like water but it tastes the way the aftermath smelled and _lightningflashes_ he screams louder and chokes on his own breath and he’s drowning, drowning, he’s going to die like the rest of them, _lightningflashes_ drown in water and don’t they say that drowning is one of the worst ways to go?

“Alexander? Darling, what’s wrong?” He can’t talk, his mouth is filled with water and he can’t breathe, just cough and sputter and heave, sweat comes down like raincomesdowninsheets, and he screams harder because rain took everything from him _lightningflashes_ and he screams and he screams again and he screams again andhescreamsagainandlightningflashes

“Your name is Alexander Hamilton. It’s three thirty in the morning on April twelfth, two thousand and fifteen. You are twenty five years old. You are in your bed, in your apartment, in New York City. The person talking is John Laurens, your boyfriend. Your name is Alexander Hamilton. You are safe here.”

_lightningflashes lightningflashes lightningflashes raincomesdowninsheets_

“It’s not raining anymore. There is no rain. There is no thunder. There is no lightning. There is no storm. Your name is Alexander Hamilton. You are safe here.”

He gags, gags on the water that’s drowning him but it’s not water it’s his pillow and it’s not raincomesdowninsheets it’s not rain it’s sweat and tears and he turns over and he’s not drowning, he’s not drowning, he’s not drowning

He breathes in and his mouth doesn’t taste clean like water

“You are in New York City. There is no storm. There is no rain. Your name is Alexander Hamilton. You are safe here.”

There is no storm, there is no raincomesdowninsheets, his name is Alexander Hamilton?

“My name is Alexander Hamilton.” he tries out the words, sees if they fit like the jeans he was wearing last night

“You are twenty five years old.”

“I am twenty five years old.” he is not fifteen again, he is not watching them die again

“There is no storm. There is no rain.”

“There is no storm. There is no rain.” comesdowninsheets but not anymore, there is no rain, but his head feels like static and he’s lying, there is rain, there is raincomesdowninsheets and everyone is going to leave

“Alexander. You are safe here.”

“I am safe here.” he’s lying he’s lying he’s lying and he screams again but the soothing voice keeps talking, “I’m not safe, you’re not safe, I’m lying, I’m sorry,” he tries to say tries to explain that he just wanted to feel better so he tried to lie but it’s not working it’s not working it’s not working _lightningflashesagain_

“You are safe here. Nothing can hurt you here. The storm is over, Alexander. There’s no more rain.” he’s lying he’s lying he’s lying but it would be so much better if he were right, he wants to be safe here, he wants to be okay, but he’s not and he can’t be and he’s crying again

“The rain can’t hurt you, Alexander. You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe. I’m not lying to you, Alexander, nothing will hurt you here. You’re safe, Alexander, you’re safe.” he blends into the background of Alex’s crying because it’s easier to ignore him than believe him and be disappointed but he wants someone to hold him here to this moment but he doesn’t know how to ask that so he stays and cries and at some point he runs out of tears and turns to the person next to him

“Do you feel safe here?” He asks and his voice is soft and scared and he needs to know the answer but he doesn’t want to but the boy answers anyway and the answer is yes and he feels a little better and he opens his eyes finally

The room is bright, bright like sunshine which pushes away raincomesdowninsheets, which pushes away rain comes down in sheets, which pushes away rain, there is no rain, but there is, but there is, but the boy feels safe which means that there can’t be rain

“There is no rain. I am safe here.” He says it and it feels like a lie but it also feels like a truth and maybe there is no raincomesdowninsheets, maybe he can be safe here too

“There is no rain. You are safe here.” He agrees, that makes Alex right, okay, what else is right, if he can figure out what’s real he can be okay, he can be safe from the raincomesdowninsheets

“I am Alexander Hamilton. I live in New York City with John Laurens.” He thinks he remembers the boy saying this, he doesn’t know, but it sounds true so maybe it is

“You are Alexander Hamilton. You live in New York City with John Laurens.” He’s doing good he’s doing good he’s doing good

“You’re John Laurens.” He thinks the boy said that at some point but what if he’s wrong, what if Alex is wrong about this, then he’s wrong about safe and then there’s rain

“I’m John Laurens.” He’s not wrong he’s not wrong he’s not wrong

“You’re my boyfriend. I’m Alexander Hamilton.” He tries again.

“I’m your boyfriend. You’re Alexander Hamilton.” He’s right again. He’s doing okay.

“This is our third apartment together. There’s a bakery down the street. You love their chocolate cupcakes. On your birthday, I bought you a box of them and almost dropped it when you hugged me.” He tries to think of things that John hadn’t told him, but his voice shakes and cracks and he hates it but he keeps going.

“That’s true. Can you tell me more?” He can try he can try he can try but what if he’s wrong, if he’s wrong that he’s not right and then he’s not okay and then the rain comes again

“There’s a CVS across the road. There’s a Redbox machine outside. Every Saturday, you pick out a movie and we watch it on the couch and cuddle. You like to sing to all the Disney songs.” He guesses a little bit but he remembers last saturday, he thinks, and how john, that’s his name, how John held him and sang in his ear for hours.

“Good job, Alex. Can you tell me more?”

“You work in the hospital. You’re a nurse because you care about people more than knowledge. I work in the high school. I teach American History and write college recommendation letters.”

“There we go. You’re safe here.” He believes it.

“John?” His voice cracks a little bit on the word.

“Yes, my love?” Relief fills his voice.

“I think I threw up. I’m sorry.” He starts crying again, because John is going to be mad at him but John doesn’t look mad, John just smiles quietly at him and it’s okay, he’s okay, everything will be okay.

“That’s okay. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Can you stand?” Alex tries his best, but he’s wobbly and ends up leaning against the wall and shaking in fear because he can’t do this, why can’t he do this properly, John’s going to yell at him. But John doesn’t yell, John doesn’t seem to be angry, just sad and concerned.

“I’m going to wrap an arm around your waist and we’re going to walk towards the bathroom. Is that okay?” He nods and lets John take his weight, lets John help him until he’s sitting on the edge of their bathtub and he whimpers when John lets go.

“Okay, Alex. I’m going to tell you what I’m doing before I do it, and if you’re uncomfortable with anything, you should tell me, okay?” He nods again, the exhaustion catching up to him as his heart stops racing. His head drops against John’s shoulder with a soft thump and John laughs, clear like water. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe, tries to breathe in air and not water.

“Alex. I’m going to pull your shirt over your head so you can get into some clean clothes. Okay, now I’m going to take off your pajama pants and boxers. Do you think you can take a shower?”

Shower like rain like rain comes down in sheets like raincomesdowninsheets and he’s drowning, he’s drowning, he’s drowning and choking and

“Your name is Alexander Hamilton. You are safe here.”

“My- my name is Al-Alexander Hamilton. I’m scared.” He manages to say and he looks up at John with pleading eyes, begging him to not put him back in the rain.

“It’s okay to be scared. There is no rain. You are safe here.”

“There is no raincomesdowninsheets. There is no raincomesdown- there is no raincomesd- there is no rain.” He struggles through the storm of words. “There is no rain. There is no rain. There is no rain. I am safe here.” His breathing is ragged and he thinks he’s crying again but it’s tears and they don’t come down like raincomesdowninsheets, they come down slowly and John runs a finger under his eyes and they’re gone, there are no tears, there is no rain, John made the rain go away

“The storm is over. The rain is over.” John reminds him calmly.

“The storm is over. The rain comes down in sheets.” He’s trying, he’s trying, he’s trying, but it’s not working

“The rain is over, Alexander. You are safe.”

“The rain comes down- the rain comes down- the rain, the rain, the rain is over.” He did it, he looks up at John and John is smiling and he feels better, he did it, he did it, he did it.

“You are safe.”

“I am safe.” It feels more like a truth than a lie.

“Good. Okay. I’m going to get some washcloths because you’re shivering from the sweat. Do you think you can brush your teeth for me?”

Alex takes the toothbrush and tries to brush his teeth with shaking hands, and his mouth tastes clean like water and he rinses and it’s clean like water but he’s not drowning in it and he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay. John runs warm washcloths over his body and wraps him up in a towel and it feels like sunshine on his skin and John talks to him the entire time, never letting him get caught up in his thoughts and it feels like sunshine in his heart.

“Okay. Alex, darling? You’ve got some cuts on your arms from your fingernails that I need to clean. This is going to sting a little bit, but it’s so they don’t get infected, so it’s important. I’m really, really sorry that it’s going to hurt. Are you ready?” He shakes his head.

“Don’t want it to hurt.” He mumbles. Why did John have to make it hurt? John was supposed to make the hurt go away, not bring it back. He pouts.

“I know, baby, but they have to be cleaned or they could get infected. I’m so, so sorry.” And John does look sorry, and maybe John doesn’t want it to hurt, maybe John is just trying to do the right thing.

“Okay.” He holds John’s hand and doesn’t cry even a little bit and he’s proud of himself, just a little bit.

“Okay, we’re done. I’m so proud of you, baby. Do you want to get dressed in here or in the bedroom?”

“I’m sleepy.” He mumbles, which is not an answer, but he knows he’s not going to be able to sleep tonight, he’s not going to be able to sleep for a while. “John, I’m really sleepy. But I can’t sleep. I don’t wanna go back.” Sleeping means it’s going to rain again and he doesn’t want to go back to the rain, he wants to stay here with the sunshine. He’s cold and shivering and he wants his sunshine.

“You don’t have to go back, my love. Come on, let’s get you into something warm, you look freezing. Is it okay if I pick you up?” Alex nods and curls into John’s chest, clinging to his shirt with surprising strength. “Okay, my love. We’re going to put on some warm clothes now. We’re going to put on your shirt first, so can you put your arms up for me? Good. Now some sweatpants. There we go.” Everything around him is a blur but he’s warm now and he feels kind of better and maybe everything will be okay.

“Alex, can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

He thinks for a moment. “Warm. Loved. Scared. Tired. Sad.”

“Okay. Can you tell me why you’re scared?”

“I don’t know why. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, Alex. You don’t need to apologize for your feelings. Do you want me to help figure out why you’re scared, or do you want me to help that feeling go away?”

“Why.”

“Okay. Do you think you’re in danger?” He shakes his head. “Do you think I’m in danger?” He nods, slowly. “Is anyone else in danger besides me?” Another nod. “Can you tell me who?”

“Lafayette. ‘Liza.” Alex mumbles into his shirt.

“Do you want to call Lafayette and Eliza? Would that help you feel less scared?” Alex feels like all he’s been doing is nodding, but words are hard and John doesn’t seem to mind.

“Okay. I’m going to text both of them to make sure they’re awake, but even if they’re not, it’s not a burden for them to talk to you.” John’s phone pings back with a response from Lafayette.

“Hi, Laf. Alex had a panic attack and thinks that you’re in danger. Could you talk to him for a moment?” John hands the phone to Alex.

“Hello?” His voice is really shaky, but John nods encouragingly.

“Hi, Alexander. This is Lafayette. I heard you weren’t doing so well. I wanted to tell you that I’m safe, I’m not in any danger.”

“Okay. I’m sorry we woke you up.”

“I was already awake, Alexander, and even if I wasn’t, it would not have been a problem. I’m safe. I’ll see you in a few days.” He hands the phone back to John, who thanks Lafayette and then turns to Alex.

“Lafayette is safe. Do you feel a little less scared?” A nod, a bite of his lower lip.

“John? You’re safe, right?”

“I’m safe, Alexander. I’m not in any danger.”

“Will you hold me?” He asks really, really quietly, so John can ignore him if he wants to.

“Alex? Can you say that again, sweetheart? I didn’t hear you.”

“Hold me?” He’s scared again, scared that John will say no or that he’s asking too much but he needs to know that John’s safe, needs to know that the raincomesd- that the rain isn’t going to take him away.

“Of course, Alex. Come here.” John backs up, sits against the wall and the dresser, and Alex crawls into his lap and cuddles into him. He can’t quite get himself to unwrap his arms from his stomach, but he leans his head against John’s chest and John’s arms are tight and he feels safe, he feels like John is safe here. “Do you want to call Eliza too?”

“Yes please.” He tries words instead of nods and John smiles at him. The arms around him loosen for a few minutes as John dials the number, briefly explains to Eliza, hands him the phone.

“Hi, Eliza.” Alex’s voice is breathy and weak and he hates it so much but there’s nothing to be done.

“Hi, Alexander. I just wanted to let you know that I’m safe and sound. I’m just grading papers.” Alex laughs a little.

“It’s really early for that, Eliza.” He says, trying to make it sound like a joke.

“I know, but it needs to be done. I’m safe, Alexander, and I love you.”

“Love you too, ‘Liza.” John takes the phone from him and tucks it into one of his pockets.

“Alex? Lafayette and Eliza and I are all safe. Do you feel a little less scared?” Alex thinks for a second.

“Yeah. Thank you.” One of his hands grips John’s shirt tightly.

“It’s not a problem, Alexander. Can you tell me how you feel now?”

“Loved. Tired. Still a little scared. Sad. Talking is hard.” John gives his boyfriend a sad smile.

“I know it is, sweetheart. How about we do something that doesn’t involve talking? We can watch movies, or I can read to you, or we can do one of the jigsaw puzzles in the living room.” Alex holds up two fingers and John kisses his forehead. “Okay. Can you go pick a book out? I’m going to go into the kitchen and get- shhhh, shhhh, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’ll stay with you, you’re okay.” Alex squirms at the mention of John leaving and looks up at him, terrified at the prospect. “I’ll stay here while you pick a book, and then we’ll both go to the kitchen and get some water. Does that sound better, my love?” Alex nods again.

“Come on, let’s go pick a book out. Can you stand up for me, Alex?” John helps Alex stand up and doesn’t make fun of him when he needs to lean against the wall, just smiles at him and lets Alex lean against him instead. They hold hands as John leads Alex to the bookshelf. “Pick whatever you want, darling.” Alex reaches up on his tiptoes to grab _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone_ and hands it to John with a little smile on his face.

“Can we read this one?” He asks really, really quietly, biting his lip. He tried to talk again and it went okay, so maybe he was getting better.

“Of course, Alexander. Do you want to read in here or on the couch?” Alex points towards the door and John nods. “Okay. Just a second, darling.” He grabs the bag in Alex’s trash can, knots it up, and then takes the towel he had been wearing and puts it down on the floor. “I’m going to throw this away outside- do you want to stand by the door so you can see me?” Alex nods gratefully and John walks out the apartment door to the trash chute in the hallway. Alex watches as he throws away the bag and waves to him.

Alex waves back.

“Okay. Do you think you could drink some water for me, Alex? You’re not going to drown, but you need some fluids in you.” Alex thinks for a second, and slowly nods, but wraps his arms around John’s waist anyway. “Of course I’ll stay with you. Alright. Drink slowly, and if you can’t finish it, that’s okay, you can have something else.” He puts a plastic cup of water in Alex’s shaking hands, and he very slowly raises it to his lips.

He drinks a little bit and swallows. He drinks a little bit more. He’s okay, he’s okay

_raincomesdowninsheets raincomesdowninsheets lightningflashes and john’s dead_

He drops the cup and buries himself in John’s chest, gripping his shirt and shaking hard. He thinks he might be crying again but he doesn’t know, the only thing he’s listening to is John’s breathing and his voice, he doesn’t know what it’s saying but it means that he’s alive

“I’m alive, Alexander, I’m alive. You’re okay, it’s okay. Don’t worry about the cup, it’s okay.” John’s hands are rubbing his back, he’s calming down, he’s calming down, it’s okay because John said it was and John doesn’t lie. John puts down a towel without letting go of Alexander and John is soft and kind and John holds him until he’s not shaking anymore.

“Alexander? Do you want to try eating a popsicle? You really need some fluids in you, baby, I’m sorry. We have popsicles and juice and you can drink with a straw if that helps, but you’re dehydrated and I know your throat hurts.” John strokes his hair and kisses his forehead and he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay. He leans into the freezer and gets a strawberry popsicle which doesn’t taste anything like rain and tries to smile at John and John laughs and kisses his forehead again and that feels good like sunshine.

They move over to the couch and Alex curls up on John’s lap, nestling his head against John’s neck, and John is warm and soft and Alex feels safe as he eats his strawberry popsicle and listens to John read Harry Potter. John kisses the top of his head and sometimes Alex kisses him back and they’re okay, they’re okay, they’re okay.

**Author's Note:**

> some Things I attempted to do with this piece (in a literary way):
> 
> repetition with lightningflashes/raincomesdowninsheets indicating panic
> 
> go from the racing thoughts that are like run-on sentences with terrible grammar (purposeful) to "proper" English
> 
> show how a panic attack starts with thinking too much and then ends in a "shutdown" way by no longer detailing Alex's thoughts
> 
> deal with pacing and how panic attacks feel so quick and how everything else takes too long
> 
> Please tell me what you thought! This was sort of an experiment with the language and I'd love to know if I did it justice!
> 
> you can find me at fallenspock.tumblr.com.


End file.
